Dave 'The Bard' Bird
Maker of dubious rhyme, in tiny pieces of time
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Unless otherwise stated, all doggerel are by me, Dave 'The Bard' Bird (as kindly named by Test Match Sofa).
They are not meant to offend anyone, at least not for long; sport does not lend itself to calm and/or reasoned thoughts.
Please feel free to Email me, or slate (some of) these efforts in public here.
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18th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 1, Day 3.

This is where it all began. I woke up early and started having stupid thoughts. I didn't think I'd be creating this page 36 hours later.

I wasn't too happy with this one, but not many things rhyme with sofa! It is definately all their fault; them daft sods at Test Match Sofa.

I'm way better than many-a Gopher
I went and got me new Loafer
  For one special reason
  After all, 'tis the season
For switching on Test Match Sofa.

18th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 1, Day 3.

We'd only lost Cookie (who is a left-hander and therefore great) and I was feeling positive and bullish.

Here, in batting order, are 11 limericks for the England players.

A bright lad called Alistair Cook
Did enjoy the occasional book,
   He went out to bat,
   NO - don't play at that,
They did him; line, sinker and hook.
On him I'd bet my whole house,
More like a lion than a mouse,
   He bats with aplomb,
   Both dainty and strong,
It can only be Andrew Strauss.
From the pavillion did Jonathan Trott,
Nervous and anxius he is not,
   He'll be there for a while,
   All Enlgand will smile,
And South Africa know he is hot.
Next in is the feisty KP,
His batting, the top of the tree,
   Sixes so great,
   They should be worth eight,
Now just stay IN for a hundred or three!
A chap from ooop north who is good,
Goes by the name of Paul Collingwood,
   Gritty and tough,
   We just can't get enough,
Fight as hard as him, we all should.
No more will the fear he smell,
He's been down to the gym as well,
   His batting is slick,
   Number six does the trick,
The crowd cheers for Ian Bell.
Swinging his bat, it's Matt Prior,
Born with iron grit, steel and fire,
   If he holds each catch,
   We'll win the match,
And his ranking will go much higher.
Our spinner is next, Mr Swann,
His bowling is coming on strong,
   His batting is great,
   Which the opposition hate,
Not to pick him much sooner was wrong.
Our tall quickie is young Stuart Broad,
His bat is a rapier like sword,
   He can oft' bowl too short,
   Yet the batters get caught,
And Of wicket-taking we never are bored.
James Anderson is our king of swing,
Late movement his favourite thing,
   Please bowl nice and full,
   Offer nothing to pull,
And just hear those stumps go 'ping'.
Graeme Onions comes in at long last,
Cannot bat but, he can bowl fast,
   He makes them play,
   While others may stray,
Durham long-hops a thing of the past.

18th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 1, Day 3.

Like Mr Bell himself, I was fuming after that dismissal. He failed to play the the 92nd consecutive straight delivery from Paul 'Slow not Spin' Harris.

I actually like Belly at number 6, I fondly remember his tons against Pakistan. This was written in less than a minute after he was dismissed, hence freshy boiled rage.

WHAT THE HELL
IAN BELL
  you little shit
  you are a GIT
YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A SMELL

18th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 1, Day 3.

Not long after the Belly Flop, Matthew Prior did little to cheer me up.

Now he takes his catches, I'm a real big Prior fan. I'd be happy to keep him as a specialist batter if ever his keeping goes 'off' again. Not really sure why he's still in the one-day side though. Steven Davies is surely worth a good go.

Matthew tosser Prior
Hits a bloody skier
  He then gets caught
  for a bit more than naught
I wish my eyes were drier

18th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 1, Day 3.

I didn't like it. Any of it. Harris turned the ball. It was pitched perfectly. Colly got the edge. Shame. The Wall being a reference to Rhaul Dravid and not Pink Floyd.

Oh no stoppit, Colly Paul
Done by bloody Harris Paul
  You've lost all your cred'
  I now wish I was dead
I wish you were like the Wall.

18th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 1, Day 3.

I recieved a challenge from Sophie (or Sophia) from the Test Match Sofa Team. The question about my ability to write other forms was raised.

I enjoy a challenge, so after a bit of time on Wikipedia and for the first time in my life, I learned about Sonnets. 14 lines. 10 syllables per line. And something I really didn't grasp called Iambic Pentameter. Well, I had a go, it's not great; but crap in my hat, it's HARD. Back to limericks for me.

Anyhow, via this sonnet, I tried to capture the feel of Englands first innings. I hope not to write a dirge for the 2nd innings.

The day was for England to look solid
  South Africa were happy to play slow
It turned out that England wanted squalid
  Opposition gave us nowhere to go
Andrew Strauss was done in by a shooter
  Jonny Trotted past a full one today
Collingwood survived balls past his hooter
  Ian Bell gave us most cause for dismay
Now Kevin played nicely for a while
  But Colly got out to leave us in fear
Prior left us too soon for a smile
  So for Broad and Swann the plan was clear
Jimmy hit them for the SIX of the game
But for glory Graeme Swann was the name

19th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 1, Day 4.

Still bubbling after his lovely innings I had another go at happy verse.

Swanny made eighty-five yesterday
Took five wickets amidst the fray
  He can hit a big six
  Bowl with plenty of tricks
For him we must cheer HOORAY.

19th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 1, Day 4.

Well, this is now bound to come back and bite me. Given that de Wet is baby faced, I was very happy with 'Foetal' for his new first name.

South Africa have Foetal De Wet
And other selections to regret
  We are sure to win
  Their bowling looks thin
Harris will fail, I bet.

19th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 1, Day 4.

And, of course, I was still unhappy with Ian of Warwickshire.

Ian Bell, your batting is PANTS.
You behave like you're afraid of ANTS.
  I want to punch YOU,
  I want to kick YOU.
But this is just one of my RANTS.

19th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 1, Day 4.

It's not like to go down this route. But after Sussex's questions to Test Match Sofa and Swanny's tweets, I reluctantly got on the bandwaggon.

I thought of the second verse later on, and I didn't remember quite how similar much of it was to the first - not good.

There's something I must say,
If Graeme Swann is really gay,
  He'll try to have it off,
  With Mr Darren Gough,
Before the end of the day.
We know Mr Swann is not gay
But on twitter, did something he say
  Just one little look
  At Alistair Cook
Is sure to brighten his day.

19th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 1, Day 4.

A contentiously not overturned umpire review got me going. The ball, according to Hawkeye, was thudding into leg stump. The original decion (of not out) was rubbish and was NOT reversed. Stupid stupid people failing to understand what should be a simple system. Humph.

This happened shortly after a decision was overturned because the ball missed the bail by a gnat's cock. Double standards? For sure.

Now the umpires I wish to clout,
It was a bloody bloody good shout,
  it hit the sodding stumps,
  you stupid bleedin' umps,
for me that's bloody well out.

19th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 1, Day 4.

You may blame those kind folks at Test Match Sofa. They called for a Joke-Off. It was painful. Here lies my sorrow.

To be honest I'm pleased with the first one, the other two are really cheap shots.

(Q) Who is the most indecisive cricketer?
(A) Maybe De Villiers.
(Q) Who is the best cricketing marine biologist?
(A) Morne Snorkel.
(Q) Who is the most vengeful of cricketers?
(A) Jaques Malice.

20th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 1, Day 5.

A cat woke me up early (again). Snow and other thoughts of cricket and this page were utterly prevented me from returning to the wonderful world of slumber.

A brand new dream of mine,
If I keep this up for some time,
  is to have just enough
  of this ridiculous fluff
To fill a book with rhyme.

20th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 1, Day 5.

Morne started the morning session bowling nice and straight. A terrifying way to continue after his shocking lifter that dismissed Strauss late on yesteray. England scoring VERY slowly.

Morne Morkel is bowling too straight
I hope it's too little too late
  Should he win them the game
  It'll be a damned shame
And I'll harbour feelings of hate.

20th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 1, Day 5.

Crap. I really want Cookie to succeed. Don't be like Belly. PLEASE.

OUT goes Alistair Cookie
Looking like a soddin' rookie
  Gone via bat and pad
  It makes be very sad
He's worse than Chewy the Wookie.

20th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 1, Day 5.

I liked it when Harris got wickets against the Aussies. It made them look stupid. Until I'd seen him on the telly I had no idea how little he spun that ball. He is infuriating.

How the blazers did Harris get five?
OK - he had a decent beehive.
  but he offers no spin
  I want to wipe off his grin.
No way he'll continue to thrive.

20th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 1, Day 5.

Test Match Sofa has ISP issues. I was ever so pleased to hear them again, especially as the heavy snow appears to have knocked out the Sky satellite!

Test Match Sofa is back on the Air
I can now stop pulling out my hair
  All problems in the past?
&nbasp; How long will it last?
Lets hope the day is now set fair.

20th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 1, Day 5.

Moments before Trott was given out to the Wet Foetus, I started feeling safe. Was that a terrible mistake? Bell in now. Crikey.

This finally looks like a draw.
England's batters look safe and secure.
  After a dubious start,
  We now look the part.
Let's hope the second test gives us some more.

20th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 1, Day 5.

The damp foetus is taking wickets for fun. I'm crapping myself.

So scared that I want to die.
To South Africa I must now fly
  If they throw this away,
  I'll bloody make 'em pay,
It's that or sit down and cry.

20th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 1, Day 5.

17th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 1, Day 2.

This isn't where it started, not really. But I thought I'd include it anyhow. I'm big fan of Broady, especially when he bowls FULLER.

Oooh - the tune, it was intended to be sung to the tune of Monty Python's Dennis Moore. That may can be found here, but the song doesn't begin until about 3 minutes in. Believe me, that's three minutes well spent.

Stuart Broad, Stuart Broad,
  Pitch it up you prick,
Stuart Broad, Stuart Broad,
  Pitch it up you prick,
He then bowls it short,
The batsman is caught,
Stuart Broad, Stuart Broad ... Stuart Broad.

18th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 1, Day 3.

Unfinshed thoughts.

A burly chap called Ryan
One day started cryin'
  I got in the side
  Was birstling with pride
Then I kept gettin' injured.
There once were a lad 'ooo could bowl
...
A lad from the north named Harmy,
...

26th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 2, Day 1.

Thoughts after England lost the toss.

P1#South Africa won the stupid toss@ They bat like they're stuck in moss@ They're make it such a bore@ Can think only of the draw@ It leaves me at a total loss.## P2#Bumble talks of much bad light@ No chance of much of a fight@ On an easy flat pitch@ Selection looks a bitch@ Not helping anybody's plight.## P1#Come on lads, don't bowl poo@ Get Smith and then Amla too@ Their middle order is soft@ Raise your arms aloft@ It's what we've got to do.##

26th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 2, Day 1.

Fired up by Jimmy's first wicket. Pitch looks exciting.

P1#Nice Jimmy he's got Prince@ You're tough as a bowl of mince@ Nice bit of bounce@ 3rd slip did pounce@ Smith is going to wince.##

26th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 2, Day 1.

I returned from South Africa to find no wickets had gone down for the addition of a hundred runs. Then, in a mad few minutes, 3 wickets in a rush. COME ON.

P1#Three wickets fall in a rush@ The crowd responds with a hush@ Top stuff from Onions and Swann@ Smith the Captain is now gone@ Being English, I must now blush.## P2#Sadly here comes the gloom@ Players drift back to their room@ Not dark each day, please@ I'm my bloody knees@ South Africa must now taste doom.##

27th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 2, Day 2.

A reflection on yesterday's pain, which I missed when live.

P1#Stuart hurt smith's poor finger,@ I hoped the pain didn't linger,@ Well, that's a lie,@ No tear in my eye,@ Give him another stinger!##

27th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 2, Day 2.

Are England finally understand how to use the dreadfully named UDRS?

P1#Oh no - not a review, you berk@ Hang on - this time it might work@ That was so plumb@ Umpire was dumb@ And now he looks like a jerk.##

27th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 2, Day 2.

9 down and I got all cross, but I was impress by Dale's batting.

P1#Another 10th wicket stand@ And it was anything but bland@ Dale hit it high and hard@ While Ntini blocked and barred,@ But I have to admit it, they did grand.##

27th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 2, Day 2.

Nothing to do with cricket, just twisted food thoughts that arrived inside my warped mind.

P1#A plate of chips,@ Is lovely with dips,@ A bowl of rice,@ Is awful nice,@ But they both go on your hips.## P2#I would never sneer,@ at the offer of a beer,@ the chance to drink,@ and have a think,@ but my stomach lives in fear.## P1#My daughter jessica louise,@ Knows her daddy loves his cheese,@ Eat more of that,@ And you'll be fat,@ From your shoulders to your knees.##

27th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 2, Day 2.

Bad Light? What Shite.

P1#No way, no way, that is utter shite,@ Those bloody fools went off for bad light,@ That makes us look all soft and weak,@ The chance of a win is now looking bleak,@ And they can't just blame the Durban night.##

28th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 2, Day 3.

Trott go out, OK. KP, the method of the dismissal, that upset me. A lot.

P1#How did Kevin miss that?@ He so often looks a pratt.@ That dismissal was so tame,@ Harris is so lame.@ Next time use the BAT.## P2#The ball just didn't turn!@ Will KP never learn?@ That dismissal was so tame,@ Harris is so lame.@ Chances like this he must not spurn.## P1#The darn thing went on straight,@ He didn't appear to play late,@ That dismissal was so tame,@ Harris is so lame.@ This cannot be our fate.##

28th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 2, Day 3.

The dreaded UDRS saves us. Quite remarkable.

P1#Amla has a go at cheating@ Bouchers joins in bleating@ There was no nick@ That lying prick@ They all deserve a beating.##

28th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 2, Day 3.

South Africa appear to start bowling for a draw. Fairly aggressive for them, it is day three after all.

P1#South Africa bowling for the draw@ The have such a knack to bore@ With bat or ball@ They top them all@ If you have a desire to snore.##

28th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 2, Day 3.

Bell strokes a lovely unbeaten 50, not under pressure from the current game. If only he could play like this normally.

P1#Oh Mr Paul of Colly@ You batted with your brolly@ Not like Ian Bell@ Who played so bloody well@ But he is a gimp wet wally.##

28th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 2, Day 3.

A simple reflection on everyones favourite shaggy dog cricketer.

P1#He may look like a moggy@ But his bowling wasn't soggy@ Tons of swing@ Was his main thing@ Bless him, dear old Hoggy.## P2#Domestically he began to fester,@ Yorkshire continued to pester,@ He'll get them back,@ And he can have a crack,@ Now he's the captain of Leiester.## P1#Hoggy is there with the Army,@ You know the one that is barmy,@ He's having a laugh,@ In the aftermath,@ After bowling a lot with Harmy.##

29th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 2, Day 4.

The controversial Pat Cash sound-alike Jarod from www.cricketwithballs.com joins the sofa crew.

P1#Will that Jarod Kimbler,@ Make the commentary simpler,@ Will he deliver@ Or sit and quiver?@ I bet there's no-one nimbler.## P2#Jarrod sounds like Pat Cash@ All Australian and brash@ He has decent wit@ Utters almost no shit@ Amla was ever so rash.##

29th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 2, Day 4.

Four moments of high emotion as the day's play progressed.

P1#Prior gave it a big heave@ Belly now able to breathe@ Jacques Kallis is fat@ South Africa are flat@ No more ideas up their sleeve.## P2#Stuart Broad and Ian Bell,@ Are not making this tell,@ I'm starting to frown@ As they are slowing down@ Come on, give them hell.## P1#Super Swann, 50 wickets this year,@ In my eye, the start of a tear,@ In his first over again,@ The Prince has been slain,@ Oh Graeme, just come here.## P2#The need for a wicket is now vast@ So Stuart Broad bowled full and fast@ Out Jacques Kallis got@ AB too played no shot@ South African worn down at last!

30th December 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 2, Day 5.

That rare beast of a straight-forward and comfortable England victory was nearly cooked. I happily let myself get a bit carried away.

P1#Some people say Japanesey@ I say far too easy,@ South Africa are naff,@ At least we had a laff,@ Paul Harris is plain sleazy.## P2#Boucher tried a bluff,@ The umpire saw enough,@ Horray there was no doubt,@ Mark Boucher is now out,@ Less decisions are now duff!## P1#England got a big win,@ Barmy Army makes a din,@ Series win beckons@ That's what I reckons@ Their bowling looks too thin.## P2#Saffer's heads will scratch@ Harris is not a patch,@ On our wily spinner,@ Who again was the winner,@ Yes Swanny, man-of-the-match.##

3rd January 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 3, Day 1.

Swanny dropped captain Smith on zero, and thought Smith was out later on, things seem all to tranquil.

P1#Things aren't going England's way@ I'm feeling the start of dismay@ That should have been caught@ Swanny looks very distraught@ Smith will want us to pay.## P2#YES! Now two more are out@ And both beyond doubt@ Now we need that AB@ Out before tea@ Wickets are what it's about.##

3rd January 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 3, Day 1.

Kindly provided by folk via the BBC 606 forum. Please email me if you'd like to add something or if you'd like me to amend/remove anything you've done.

CountCagliostro (U10453021) P1#Before the test even began@ from many who called themselves fans@ there was sniping at Bell,@ Broad and Cookie as well@ But the 3 of them stuck to their plans## grandMonkeh (U14277117) P2#Smith said England were scarred@ But look at the latest scorecard@ Bell, Cook, Swann and Broad@ Put SA to the sword@ And stuffed them in their own back yard## The JPF has to keep in shape or the people of gotham city start moaning (U8281088) P1#Wums called us south africa B,@ with no hope of victory,@ But then on came Swann,@ and the batsmen were gone,@ and all before fifth day tea...## P2#We won and who would have thought that,@ Bell and Cook would add with the bat?@ Swann is a star,@ Broad a young Glen Mcgrath,@ And that swanny-ananda's a tw....## SwannyforEngland (U9941286) P1#This is going to be hard to believe@ But something happened yesterday eve'@ Broad and Swann took the ball@ And gave it their all@ And were helped by Kallis' leave## P2#He decided to not play a shot@ He thought that it threatened him not@ The ball hit stump@ No need for the ump@ Lost his wicket when he wanted a dot## DaggaRooker (U12851325) P1#So the saffers take it on the jaw@ and all believe they are on the floor.@ My hope is that they are just sore@ and come back for more.@@ Not good but hell we cant play cricket either.##

30th Dec 2009.

South Africa vs England, Test 3, Day 1.

This didn't happen. I just wanted it to.

P1#With Kallis I've now got the hump@ So I nipped out for a big smelly dump@ When I returned@ Swanny's delivery turned@ And Jacques was done up like a chump##

3rd January 2010.

South Africa vs England, Test 3, Day 1.

Two wickets in two balls for the mighty Graeme Swann. Get Kallis out now and we're all but laughing.

P1#YES - SWANNY HAS TWO@ South Africa in the poo@ Swanny is great@ Everyone's mate@ Saffers how's that, stuff YOU!## P2#In weather that is sunny@ It shouldn't be this funny@ He is out yet again@ He cannot quite refrain@ JP is so Swann's bunny.##

3rd January 2010.

South Africa vs England, Test 3, Day 1.

A mixutre of tried thoughts as the partnership builds...

P1#Five are down by tea@ I could be happier, me@ I know we got some@ But need more work done@ Crap, I gotta go pee.## P2#Yippee, a money off voucher@ A pity that I'm such a sloucher@ A sign of the times@ Is that nothing here rhymes@ With Mark bloody-hell Boucher.## P1#He thinks he's the fucking boss@ His batting is just utter dross@ So what he got fifty@ Not like it was nifty@ Now I'm getting all cross.##

3rd January 2010.

South Africa vs England, Test 3, Day 1.

This didn't happen. I just wanted it to.

P1#With Kallis I've now got the hump@ So I nipped out for a big smelly dump@ When I returned@ Swanny's delivery turned@ And Jacques was done up like a chump##

4th-7th Jan 2010.

South Africa vs England, Test 3, Days 2-5.

I was told in no uncertain terms, by my wife, I was spending too much time with my new buddies at Test Match Sofa. Not one to rock my own boat I secretly wrote down a few limericks and rhyming words to complete at a later date. That date is now. The time has come. Read 'em and meep.

I was getting bored trying to rhyme the same names, thought I'd have a quick look at Aus VS Pak.. P1#Though I heard it on my Tranny@ It wasn't Boycott's granny@ That captain Ricky Ponting@ Well, he was found a-wanting@ Praise be to Mohammed Sami## P2#Good old Mohammed Amir@ He gives Aus something to fear@ Tall fast and lean@ But too young to be mean@ Or to go to the bar for a beer## A glorious morning when England ripped out the Saffers tail. P1#There I was lying in bed@ Fearing bowling I very much dread@ Four wickets then went@ The Saffers looked spent@ Go on, get back in your shed## P2#Jimmy ended the day with five@ The Saffers they tried him to drive@ Kallis loosely did poke@ And the tail was a joke@ England are beginning to thrive## P1#But Morkel he was now ready@ Bowling mean, fast and yet steady@ The full one got the nick@ And Strauss was angry quick@ Come on, we do not need Freddie## I walked into town with the girls (my wife and two daughters) but I had my radio sewn into my ear)... P1#I went for a walk into town@ Now how many more would be down?@ Shut awful bad shots@ By our bloody clots@ Now I've got this gloomy old frown.## P2#Come on now Belly and Cook@ At that ball you must damn well look@ No bad shots please@ Just ones, twos and threes@ Yes, play it by the book.## P1#Fight on through this deadful mire@ With iron, with grit and with fire@ Stay in until close@ As everyone knows@ You've got to protect Matt Prior.## Then things started to go amiss... P2#The curse of the perishing break@ Whether lunch, tea, dinner or steak@ The ball in the air@ And the Prince was there@ Ali Cook an error did make.## P1#I got up after one quick kip@ Steyn is bowling pace and with nip@ Broad beaten for pace@ Bell's shot was not ace@ Belly the ultimate drip## P2#Matt Prior then had a big swish@ Which was not my favourite wish@ Please bat long and big@ Be as greedy as a pig@ Or my head in water goes splish## P1#Saffers have got the new ball@ Our batters, I fear for them all@ That tail won't wag@ Batters heads will sag@ Our lead in the series will fall.## Elation as the Bell+Colly stant reaches "total safety". P2#Oh Bell and Colly are perverse@ This now is a total reverse@ They know how to bat@ As simple as that@ And nothing can happen that's worse## Despair as the stand is broken an wickets tumble. Oh and "testy little cuss" was an insult that I stole it from "Young Guns"; it made me laugh. P1#OK now I am making a fuss@ Smithy that testy little cuss@ I'll kick him so hard@ My foot breaks his lard@ And his head explodes with puss## Utter disbelief that we cling on for the draw... P2#The balls is in his grill@ That lad bats with skill@ I've got bunions@ We've only got Onions@ South Africa going for the kil## P1#This battle that wound up a draw@ Was anything but a dull bore@ Saffers did all they could@ But it didn't do any good@ The English flag will now soar.##

12th Jan 2010.

Jarrod Kimber, a cricket blogger+writer, shares about his toe.

That's a "brachymetatarsia".

P1#Jarrod has this cool little toe@ The little sod just does not grow@ Now he's older and rough@ He's just brave enough@ To stick it on twitter for show.##

12th Jan 2010.

Iain O'Brien, a much better New Zealand bowler than those upperty losers Shane Bond and Richard Hadlee, here's a poem for you.

He also played for Leicestershire, my county. NB: Bond won my dislike when he "left" NZ.

P1#Oh Iain Edward O'Brien@ For your land you never stopped tryin'@ You averaged twenty five@ And made a lovely bee-hive@ Now you've retired I'm cryin'## P2#But Shane Edward Bond@ He bowled like a blonde@ He kept getting hurt@ From lifting his shirt@ Of all of his shit I'm not fond.##

13th January 2010.

South Africa vs England, Test 4, Day 1.

A bright start to the test as I'm again woken up but ramaging young daughters. At least it gives me some quite time to reflect on what I've heard. Here's my build up to this vital test.

P1#The Bullring, a dangerous place@ Donald and Pollock had plenty of pace@ England slumped 2 for four@ South Aff. shut the door@ Very much ahead in that race## P2#The pitch is alledgedly quick@ Selection the important trick@ No Onions the rumour@ Which gives me a tumour@ Come on Miller, don't be a prick## P1#We must win the toss and then bowl@ Do it well and just get on a roll@ We know Harris can't spin it@ And England can win it@ With Swanny our ace in the hole## P2#Will Saffers go in with four seamers?@ Bowling short and occasional beamers@ Did they finally learn@ Harris can't make it turn@ I laugh if they think they can cream us## P1#Our batting looks solid and deep@ This tradition is OK to keep@ If the bowlers do well@ Giving South Africa hell@ Don't lose this and the Saffers will weep## P2#They gave me the name of 'The Bard'@ And I promise to try really hard@ To keep you updated@ But not innundated@ With poetic food, but not lard.##

13th January 2010.

South Africa vs England, Test 4, Day 1.

Rumours true, Onions gone. Utter madness.

P1#They've done it, those fools@ My tears will fill pools@ Onions no more@ I am rather sore@ Selectors can eat all my stools.##

13th January 2010.

South Africa vs England, Test 4, Day 1.

Great catch by Amla. strauss gets out to another poor ball. Stop it Andrew.

P1#Strauss what was that@ Are you some kind of twat@ A golden duck@ You sodding schmuck@ I'm going to eat my hat.## P2#OK a good catch from the beard@ If that sounds a little bit werid@ It makes me so cross@ When bowling dross@ Give England things to be feared.##

13th January 2010.

South Africa vs England, Test 4, Day 1.

Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh fucking dear.

P1#Jonathon Trott is out too@ That shot was complete utter poo@ They don't need help@ I'm going to yelp@ 10 years back again coming true.## P2#Just what the hell have you got?@ Jonathon punch and kick Trott@ Shit no, don't run@ This is no fun@ KP and Cook please stop this rot.## P1#Come on England I need now to work@ You bat like the your hero's the Jerk@ Awkward and lame@ Dismissals so tame@ We can't allow the Saffers to smirk.## P2#No KP plays a crap shot@ Nicely done that was not@ KP is a dick@ He can suck on his stick@ I now wish that Sky I'd not got##

13th January 2010.

South Africa vs England, Test 4, Day 1.

The worst URDS 'decision' ever made. Thanks Daryl Bloody Harper.

P1#Alistar Cook use your bat@ You must learn how to hit that@ Shit a no ball@ If that don't beat all@ He just cannot give that## P2#Fuck poetry.
I've never seen such a pile of shit.## P1#Darly Harper you're a tosser@ I really really hate you@ Nothing here rhymes@ But that dfoesn't matter@ Because you're such a wanker.## P2#5 uses for a Daryl Harper...@ (1) U-bend blocker@ (2) Rabid monster feed@ (3) A-bomb test site@ (4) Cat bottom cleaner@ (5) Coffin filler##

13th January 2010.

South Africa vs England, Test 4, Day 1.

Ryan's Bounce got the better of Colly. Normally a safe type of shot. Not today. Lots of little things (i.e. wickets) going SA's way. WOW. Incredible near-catch by Prince.

P1#Colly undone by some bounce@ Will Saffers be able to pounce?@ Where is the rain?@ I want no more pain@ Can England avoid a trounce@ ...ing.## P2#Oh my what a stunning good catch@ Hang on, do that a scratch@ Prince wanted to claim@ But spilled it in vein@ Stick his head down the bloody hatch.##

13th January 2010.

South Africa vs England, Test 4, Day 1.

On request by Sarah Canterbury, at the end of day 1. Well, the request was for a summary, sadly I dwelled only on one thing. Sorry, person. No, thing.

P1#Will I go INSANE,@ If I try yet AGAIN,@ as England FAIL,@ with batting FRAIL,@ I just hate Dale STEYN. ## P2#Dale bowled ever so well,@ I wish he'd go to hell,@ I want to punch his face,@ but we are the disgrace,@ It's left me with a bad smell.##

16th January 2010.

South Africa vs England, Test 4, Afterthoughts.

I realised I better do Sidebottom as he wasn't in my initial Upbeat XI.

P1#That chap we'd all forgotten@ You know, with temper rotten@ Full of fire and flair@ Masses of curly hair@ It's furious Ryan Sidebottom.## P2#Graeme Smith is great@ If you want someone to hate@ There was a nick@ the lying prick@ His presense again does grate## P1#That man has no damn SKILL@ And him I'd like to KILL@ His ears not SHARPER@ Bloody Darly HARPER@ I know I need a PILL##

19th January 2010.

Post selection grambles.

Ridiculous selections. Crazy.

P1#So now we have captain Cook@ OK, he might be worth a look@ But Andrew Strauss@ Back in his house@ To my very core I am shook## P2#In the test team new names do pop@ With Carberry right at the top@ All rounders not thin@ With Tredwell for spin@ And Write giving a biff and a bop## P1#Shahzard is there for swing@ Of reverse he can be king@ And if Prior gets vexed@ Steve Davies comes next@ Pardon me if start to sing.## P2#Onto the damn One-Day side@ This I simply cannot abide@ Or believe what I read@ Cook is now made to lead@ At table bottom we will reside.##

19th January 2010.

Aftermath contributions.

Sent in via BBC 606 forum.

comment by adamkos (U13855983) P1#We have just got back from bok@ where the best batsmen played like a co**,@ Andersen was mediocre,@ Trott was a joker@ but we drew and so we are not flops.## comment by chipleader (U1729168) P2#The Skipper has thrown in the towel@ Trott may as well bat with a trowel@ The other saffer can't bat@ Nor Broad - Fancy that !@ The U,D.R.S system's just foul## comment by gingerfinch (U13669749) P1#Smith nicked one to Prior@ England called him a liar@ No wonder Sidebottom got craggy@ He looks like scooby doo's shaggy@##

19th January 2010.

Thoughts on the IPL.

IPL #3. Blimey.

P1#Some say it should go burn in hell@ That the money leaves a really bad smell@ But hit and giggle@ Or shit and piddle@ It's here to stay the IPL.## P2#From countries far and wide@ Come players with heaps of pride@ But if they fail@ You'll hear them wail@ For there is not anywhere to hide## P1#The cheques books come out@ The autioneers will shout@ Some Players get bought@ Some others get naught@ The IPL now has such clout## P2#The turn-styles are all in clamour@ The Batsmen are using the hammer@ They go for the big six@ Bowlers try their new tricks@ So cricket is married to glamour## P1#Should cricket become this glam@ When the ball is met with a blam@ hit way in the air@ didn't see you there@ Sorry about that Maam!##

27th January 2010.

Saffer Selection Shambles

In a furious battle, Cricket South Africa are determind to prove that they are ever bit as incompetant as the ECB and as petulant as the PCB. Good work. According to the latest rankings they are now firmly the number one Cricket Board in the world.

This started fairly randomly. I had a beautiful image in my mind of Captain Graeme Smith being attacked my a pack of wild lemurs. Then a friend sent me some lovely lemur pictures; the rest was easy ... fun with Captain Graeme Smith.

P1#Now Smithy was as angry as poo@ He said Mickey, `Oi, Listen, must you!@ Come here for a meeting@ It'll be only fleeting@ But be there by a quarter to two.`## P2#As loud as he dared@ With nostrils all flared@ Smith ranted and raved@ Like he was depraved@ No wonder Mickey was scared## P1#He began with a deep fierce roar@ And huffed like a bear that was sore@ `It's not easy to say@ I can't stand things this way@ I can't take it like this any more.`## P2#Smith blew his red nose on his sleeve@ Then said `You must take now your leave@ You've driven me crazy@ No, I'm not being lazy@ I need some more me-time to grieve.`## P1#`I know that our feelings were strong@ I am sorry you have to be gone@ I'll always love you@ You held my hand in the loo@ It's not that you did anything wrong.`## P2#Now who should replace him within?@ Our choices are looking too thin.@ I do know a man...@ This could be a plan...@ A Zimbabwean that has a big chin.## P1#Now the panel has been sacked@ The whole system looks cracked@ Who is next their line?@ Graeme Smith would be fine..@ The captain has not yet been whacked.## P2#But what more can we say?@ Madness now leads the way.@ Since Onions' not out@ South Africa have doubt@ About everying between night and the day.##

2nd February 2010.

Passing the time with blissful miscellany, I happened upon a lovely story. Actually, it isn't lovely at all but it makes a shit-load more sense that when people just dwell on 'Global Warming'. Here is a link to the article. So inspired was I that I wrote a poem.

P1#We do not need that silly old race@ To see who gets far into space@ We can get more@ Both iron and ore@ If we inhabit just one more place.##

2nd February 2010.

I should have known. Days ago the ECB denied it. Ergo it must be true. Obviously. Otis Gibson has left the building... Goughie ... are you watching? Click here and tell the Dazzler to apply for the job.

P1#So Otis Gibson has now fled@ Back home to where he made his bed@ Now he could sure bowl@ And he's left a hole@ So who will England pick instead?## P2#I think we need young Darren Gough@ Yes, he could bowl just outside off@ Full, straight and quick@ Was just the tick@ Are you listenning Andy? Cough, Cough.##

2nd February 2010.

Andy Murray "lost" the Australian Open final.
Is it a failure? No.
Should he have done better? He should have won the 3rd set.
Could he have won? Yes, but Fed was too hot that day.
Will he win a slam? Yes.

P1#So Murray he lost in the final@ 'Twas said that he lacked something spinal@ Bloody Roger the Fed@ I do not wish him dead@ His head I'd stick in a urinal.##

3rd February 2010.

After being butured by Kenya, Scotland ease to a comfy win over Ugana.

P1#I laughed and dropped my soft panda@ I needed another good gander@ No, I was right!@ It was't my sight@ Bonnie Scotland thrashed Uganda!##

3rd February 2010.

The quality left arm spinner that really should have played for England. Bowled so well for years. Taught Murali all he knew.

P1#Who bowls without being too speedy?@ Who'd bowl 'til his fingers were bleedy?@ For England he should@ But selection no good@ Lancashire's leftie, Gary Keedy.##

4th February 2010.

Big Al

As a Leicestershire fan, I loved 'Big Al Mullall' (as I once heard Bumble refer to him as).

P1#Leicestershire's Alan Mullally@ Loved getting a 5 wicket tally@ Landing the seam@ On wickets of green@ Would drive the opponents do-lally.## P2#He was tall and he was lean@ But he was never really mean@ He kept it tight@ Thru day and night@ The best that Leicestershire's seen## P1#One day he scored twenty-four@ Pakistan were on the floor@ He hit it miles@ Akram had piles@ That just might settle the score.## P2#In the world he reached number two@ It was a lovely thing to do@ He bowled so straight@ He moved it late@ A great seamer through and through.##

5th February 2010.

My Lovely Wife

Poetry goes home! My mate told me that, and I liked it.

I have crush on a bear and Antarctica. Does that mean I'm bi-polar?

P1#An ode to my beautiful wife@ Who is really the love of my life@ In all of our years@ We've had so few tears@ I can't even remember much strife## P2#Now truly she doesn't like cricket@ Or my nose, should I stupidly pick it@ And the money I spend@ Drives her right round the bend@ So my wallet, she's no choice but nick it## P1#Yes, we have two kids and six cats@ The latter delieverd two rats@ but the oddest thing@ They decided to bring@ To our house were a couple of bats.## P2#We were drinking and watching the telly@ When Becksy cat did something smelly@ It happened we saw@ Her bum was rubbbed raw@ And she needed pretroleum jelly.## P1#When the time reaches much after nine@ Unless we've been into the wine@ It's off to the bed@ For resting of head@ Hey that's not your pillow, it's mine.## P2#Our daughters are Issy and Jess@ They turn cleanliness into a mess@ Whatever we do@ By quarter past two@ We're under some strain and more stress.## P1#We really do love our great daughters@ For all of the things that they taught us@ And all of the grind@ Gets left well behind@ When a hug is the best gift they brought us##

15th February 2010.

Nathan Bracken's wife was sporting a very attention-grabbing outfit.

Just the picture. The full article. The plant bracken.

P1#There's something I have to confess,@ Some say that it's called a dress.@ Is it there or not?@ Does she look hot?@ I guess so, well, more or less.##

17th February 2010.

Lady Cricket

I like all cricket, anywhere. Played by everyone. Well, pretty much. I certainly like women's matches. I have two daughters and I can dream ... one day they will play for England (or Scotland)!

P1#Cricket Ladies now pull up their socks@ From the Sub-Continent to the Spring Boks@ But a question of mine,@ Not of length nor of line,@ I wonder, do they require a box?## P2#Some say that I need to take a pill@ But I've watched and the ladies have skill@ They get many things right@ And their bowling is tight@ And of cricket I just can't get my fill.## P1#For now England are right out on top@ All Australians would like that to stop@ If they get much better@ My pants will get wetter@ Being British, I'm scared we will flop.## P2#But England, to India, must fly@ Where the pitches will be ever so dry@ Not won there before,@ Not sure, did we draw?@ Beware Goswami, for she is quite spry.## P1#Holly Colvin the new queen of spin@ She does not know quite how to give in@ The Taylors are great@ The fielding, first rate@ Come on girls, you know you can win!##

19th February 2010.

Plenty 20

I love Twenty 20. Can't help it. Still, test is best.

P1#One thing that get's me all venty@ Is bad talk of jolly 'T' 20.@ It's much better by half@ So much more of a laugh@ Because 50 is far more than plenty.## P2#England play Pakistan later.@ I think that our players are greater.@ But Gul bowls great yorkers,@ And other rip-snoters,@ And the ball, oh Afridi, he ate her!## P1#For England the openers are wrong@ Neither will give it a biff or a bong.@ We need someone tough@ And agressive enough@ To win it for us when on song.## P2#Our bowling is coming on nicely@ The spinners are landing it precisely@ But the quicks can get hit@ When missing length by a bit@ Shouldn't do it like that more than twicely## P1#Will we win it today, well who knows?@ By then I'll stop blowing my nose.@ I'm now on my knees,@ So a close contest please.@ I cannot wait to see how it goes.##

25th February 2010.

Sachin vs Modi

Two big things were hapenning.

Lalit K Modi was ranting unrepentantly on twitter - wonderful (and shocking) to see in its raw state.

On the telly, Sachin was doing something else. Batting. Beautifully. Sixes have never been hit so gently.

I bet you all know what he scored, but can you remember what anyone else did? Or even who the opposition was? I guess you can, after all, it was only yesterday, but in a couple of months, those questions maybe tricker!

P1#Oi Modi you tosser, yes Lalit,@ Unpleasant to taste on my pallet@ Arrogant and so brash@ You make threats with your cash@ Your face should say `Hi` to my mallet!## P2#But Modi is right I must say@ The IPL in India should stay@ They cannot just give in@ To all terrorist's whim@ Life has to go on come what may## P1#Lalit K has a tongue and a brain@ Can he use both without causing such pain@ He works best under stress@ Well here is a mess@ Will he anger again, or refrain?## P2#Tendulkar did something today@ Two hundred runs all in one day!@ Majestic and cunning@ It simply was stunning@ No bowler could stand in his way.## P1#How Sachin keeps on being humble@ Is enough to make braver men crumble@ If Modi learned that@ He'd be less of a pratt@ And my poetry jibes would then stumble.## P2#These two things that happened together@ Were both better than English weather@ In the passing of time@ One event will decline@ The other, remembered forever.##

1st March 2010.

Zimbabwe hammer the hapless West Indies.

18 overs of spin were sent down by the Zimbabweans. Crazy. OK, it was "only" a Twenty20, but you have got to love it.

P1#Zimbabwe were zero for three.@ That is not a nice place to be.@ Their batting too slow,@ We wanted a show.@ What followed you needed to see.## P2#Pace bowling, so often, it goes,@ So spinners were all that they chose.@ The Windies they got stuck,@ But just two made a duck.@ How they failed, no-body quite knows!## P1#Oh Windies, your cricket is ropey,@ Your captain may also be dopey,@ For batting so weakly,@ And losing so meekly,@ You have made your fans sad and mopey.##

1st March 2010.

Captain Cook leads England to a deceptively comfortable ODI victory.

So many fielding mistakes were made by the Tigers, that added to the huge drop by Morgan when Tamim was on 10, the whole game could have been completely different.

P1#The Tigers were sent in to bat,@ Could England make the most of that?@ Tamim was put down,@ Sidebottom did frown,@ Then he bowled much too short, the pratt.## P2#One hundred did Tamim then make,@ When needed, he applied the brake,@ But the rest of his side,@ Though I'm sure that they tried,@ Come on guys, stay in for Pete's sake!## P1#When batting, my England weren't great,@ The Tigers gave the match on a plate.@ The catches they muffed them,@ And the keeper he stuffed them.@ Shape up Tigers, before it's loo late!##

1st March 2010.

Lance Klusener!

Lovely Long-Limbed Lance was, challenged only by Jonty Rhodes, my favourite South African cricketer for YEARS.

P1#Klusener could whack it, yes Lance,@ To spinners, down wicket, he'd dance,@ No defensive tricks,@ He smote them for six,@ The same for the quicks without prance.## P2#Sometimes he could bowl pretty quick,@ Sometimes the batsmen he'd trick.@ Gave balance to the side,@ Served country with pride,@ All without ever being a prick.## P1#His best score V England, remember?@ Our bowlers he got to dismember.@ Zulu hit it so high,@ Way up into the sky,@ It didn't come down 'til November.##

2nd March 2010.

England's second ODI vs Bangladesh. Sensibly Ryan Sidebottom injured himself to allow England to play 2 spinners.

P1#Sidebottom has injured his thigh,@ England kept it quiet, so sly.@ But we now have two spinners,@ Which should make us the winners,@ Oi! Bresnan, that was almost a pie.## P2#Bresnan miss-fields on the edge,@ Broady will plant him in a hedge.@ Tamim now hitting out,@ Bowling now lacking clout.@ No width please, boys that is my pledge.## P1#Cookie not yet turning to spin,@ Batsmen now starting to cash in.@ Whack Tamim is out,@ Braody lets out a shout.@ Now the Tiger's collapse will begin.## P2#Bresnan then bowled straight at the batter,@ Who decided his wicket dunt matter.@ Twas the most awful shot.@ They know how to bat, NOT.@ Yet more stumps go down with a clatter.## P1#NO Aftab, that shot's not allowed.@ Jamie Siddons, he will not be proud.@ What can he try next?@ Wound up and perplexed.@ Oh Tigers, for crying out loud!## P2#The Tiger's climbing out of their hole,@ But Tredwell is now on to bowl.@ A lovely first over,@ Nearly ended in clover.@ Played James, it appears you have soul!## P1#Watching the ball hard with eyes shifty,@ Imrul Kayes is nearing his fifty.@ Not thinking about gin,@ Taking care, staying in.@ Nice one Imrul, now that's pretty nifty!## P2#Stuart Broad, that's a bad dolly drop.@ These mistakes from England's must stop.@ We should still win this game,@ But that miss was so tame.@ We cannot just expect them to flop.## P1#A great catch there from our Colly,@ Not like young Broady and his dolly.@ Yes, wickets for Graeme,@ The Tiger's can't play him.@ This could be a good match, by golly.## P2#Two-fifty they'll get and some more,@ Whatever, 'tis a pretty good score.@ Nice bowling from Wright,@ He's loves a good fight.@ If England lose this they'll be sore!## Bangladesh 260/6
P1#Kieswetter, gave two edges, not nice.@ The Tigers missed first, but not twice.@ KP and his left arm curse,@ Not better no but worse.@ And Colly, gone batsmen have thrice.## -(more to come later)-

5th March 2010.

England's third and final ODI match of the series.

Can England remain the only 'big' side not to have been defeated by the Tigers?

P1#So England began by taking care,@ Of this we were accutely aware.@ They boys took it steady,@ But when they were ready,@ They hit it as hard as they dare.## P2#The Wet got a ton and some more,@ The Tigers did not like that score.@ Even their slow bowling@ Was not quite controlling,@ Their batting, it fell on the floor.## P1#Shazad got a wicket first ball,@ 3rd man, but who cares, they count all.@ When Bres bowled the tail,@ Bumble's car then set sail,@ Most England boys, they can stand tall.##

8th March 2010.

Zimbabwe 2-0 Windies.

I don't even know how to comment.

block, block then some singles hit six then hope tingles Zimbabwe they did it again West Indies acknowledge the pain

8th March 2010.

The warm up match vs. Bangladesh 'A'.

Coupled with a few pre-test thoughts.

Warm-up story should now be told, To clean it up England must be bold, 'Desh succuming to their fate, Tredwell now he's got eight, -(aaaah: struggling)-

8th March 2010.

IPL Team Limericks.

P1#The Royal Challengers Bangalore,@ Kumble and Steyn must come to the fore.@ Morgan, Kev and Kallis,@ Batting full of malice.@ Don't want that second place, they want more.## P2#The Deccan Chargers won last year,@ They could still be the side to fear.@ Yes, Symonds and Gilly,@ Can both smack it silly,@ And Chaminda can bowl like a sear.## P1#That franchise, Rajasthan Royals,@ Is what Warne hopes nobody foils,@ He wants all of the cash,@ For he is very brash,@ But will he get all of the spoils?## P2#Cement bring the Chennia Super Kings@ Murali, Huss and 'Dos in their wings@ Dhoni at the sticks,@ Will be full of his tricks,@ It is just one of those bloody things.##
Daredevils from Dehli have batters, All bowling attacks left in tatters. Kings XI Punjab Kolkata Knight Riders Munbai Indians http://www.iplt20.com/

9th March 2010.

I like cricket.

I like Twenty20 cricket.

I want to like the IPL and I may get the chance to now Modi has stuck it on ITV4.

I really dislike Lalit K Modi.

P1#Modi has all of the power@ England get stuffed in an hour@ ECB on their knees@ Mr Modi, but please@ Look at us we really can cower.## P2#The schedule is fixed for us all@ Don't care that you're screwed to the wall@ We will tell you the score@ Nothing else matters more@ For my money you simply must crawl.## P1#Your players will wish to take part@ For such wages, joy-fully they fart@ If I tell them to jump@ They will not get the hump@ The control that I have is an art.## P2#England have something to say,@ Honestly, it's not all about pay.@ We will not yet be brought@ But we're so very fraught@ We'll give in by the end of the day.## P1#Modi, we invented this game@ So why are we in so much pain?@ Our members are weeping@ We're unwilling but creeping@ Such lust for financial gain.##

12th March 2010.

1st Test vs 'Desh

Selection Stupidity abounds. Bad decisions dominate in general.

P1#I can not believe we've one spinner,@ Selectors brains are like dog's dinner.@ The pitch will take turn,@ Will they not bloody learn?@ We don't deserve to be the winner.## P2#Look, six batters is one too many,@ Something dropped, and not a penny.@ Four bowlers is just mad,@ You can tell I'm not glad.@ I can't think of reasons, not any.## P1#The 'Desh won the toss and will field,@ Is this the first sign that they'll yield?@ Car-berry went early,@ And Trott went all girly,@ When the ump gave him out, he squealed.##

18th March 2010.

1st Test vs 'Desh

18th March 2010.

1st Test vs 'Desh

Please help this poor dog http://bit.ly/PoorDog , via donation http://bit.ly/DARChelp or retweet! Dog rescued by @reina_sabah

20th March 2010.

2nd Test vs 'Desh, Day 1.

It's early. Too early.

P1#The captain he has dropped the catch,@ That could have scuppered the match,@ Tamim gave it a biff,@ Cook to jump off a cliff,@ My head has an itch and a scratch.## P2#The sofa has boys and one Soph,@ All the lads do is chatter and loaf,@ They should get out and run,@ If they did, they'd have fun,@ If not they'll wind up with a growth.## P1#Hello, my name is James Tredwell,@ I'm not like Tim who eats bread well,@ I'm bald and I'm short,@ But never distraught,@ I will fill the 'Desh with dread, well.##

21st March 2010.

2nd Test vs 'Desh, Day 2.

A cat woke me up too early. England weren't playing well. I was not happy.

P1#The IPL should be ignored,@ But I'm starting to get a bit bored,@ These pitches are crap,@ But they'll help me to nap,@ Sadly it is time that I snored.##

22nd March 2010.

2nd Test vs 'Desh, Day 3.

England middle order playing nicely. Darren Gough drops a clanger on twitter.

23rd March 2010.

2nd Test vs 'Desh, Day 4.

Bresnan's star rises like cream in coffee.

P1#Tim Bresnesn the great big northern lad,@ And you know what, he ain't half that bad,@ With ball, he is strong,@ With bat, stays in long,@ For his work we should be very glad.## P2#Tim Bresnan may well look full of lard,@ Fear not, this is just a facade,@ When you're full of dismay,@ He'll still run in all day,@ He does well 'cause he tries bloody hard.##

24th March 2010.

2nd Test vs 'Desh, Day 5.

A tense finish appears to be a certainty. I'm so excited. Much better than IPL.

P1#Shakhib was hitting the red ball,@ England were bowling at a wall.@ The lead is now growing,@ The 'Desh are now showing,@ Other teams must fight or they'll fall.## P2#Will Trotty start blocking or hit out?@ If he blocks, at my telly, I'll shout.@ Kevin P. won't hold back,@ He just loves to attack,@ Test cricket is the best form bar nowt.## After the game... P1#In the end England won with some ease,@ But the lack of danger did not please,@ The Tigers bowled badly,@ Cook and Kev scored gladly,@ Bangladesh must learn how to squeeze.## P2#But the 'Desh are improving for sure,@ They were close to securing a draw.@ Their players are growing,@ Experience is showing.@ For someone, a surpise is in store.##

9th April 2010.

The Country season is upson us! Hooray!!!

P1#The first day, a new county season,@ I must live and now I have reason,@ The cold ball will swing,@ Batsmen feel it sting.@ IPL was too much like treason.##

25th April 2010.

The IPL Final!

P1#Bhaji is my name, I am an obnoxious weed,@ That's what he called me, now just watch him bleed.@ @ Now Umpire how's that? It has to be out?@ It's so bloody close, not a salmon of doubt!@ @ I'm yelling so loud, you can see that I floss,@ I'm screaming you know, I am not bowling dross.@ @ But not out you did say, well you have the last word,@ Some say you're an umpire, but I think you're absurb.## P2#Muarli Vijay he's lofted it, this time for six@ Dispite his small stature, he is full of tricks@ @ No wickets have fallen, is this why I'm sad?@ Oh Hendry leads 5-2, now well done that lad.@ @ Oh wait there's a wicket, will the match now catch fire?@ I hope it's a close one that goes right down to the wire@ @ Now here come's the bowling of the big Kerin Pollard@ His batting is subtle like an old concrete bollard.@ @ Well what has just happened - Hayden has just skied it,@ From Pollard you know, who just ran up and pie'd it.@ @ Well IPL is cricket of the very highest class,@ If that is the case, stick the telly up my arse.##

26th April 2010.

Modi Fights Back

P1#So Modi has gone now, after being zealous and thick.@ I'd laugh, if I wasn't spending the time being sick.@ @ Oh the financial scams that are born out of greed@ Will they bite back this time, or will Lalit just bleed?@ @ The board are against him, and they must now fight@ Is Modi angry and cross, or trembling with fright?@ @ I still am the chairman he says, and you lot must wait@ It isn't over yet, I've got much on my plate.@ @ I will take this fight all the way to down hell,@ The BCCI they will burn and then smell.##

May 2010.

Initial Fears

P1#It's world T20, and I am not scared.@ By end of it, how will England have fared?@ My emotions are bare@ As I really do care@ I hope they are sodding prepared.## A good lad, one weakness... P2#There is one thing about Michael Lumb,@ There are those who say he is quite dumb.@ But no it is not me,@ For a fan, I am he,@ But LBW was probably plumb.##

May 2010.

Afghanistan

Just before their 2nd match... P1#They may not have it, man for man,@ Some say they can't, I say they can.@ Though they lack some might,@ They have will and fight,@ Come on now, Afghanistan.## Part way thru'... P2#I fear the Afghans will lose,@ This is not the result I'd choose,@ But at least if they do,@ It will end before two,@ And I'll have time for one more snooze.##

May 2010.

A Political Interlude

P1#For that I must tell you a story,@ Do not fret, for it is not gory,@ Because of the strife,@ Both me and the wife,@ Might not be voting for a Tory.##

May 2010.

A Strange Place

P1#England are trying hard to be good,@ Win this whole contest they bloody could,@ If batsmen have no fright,@ And bowlers keep it tight,@ The trophy will be ours, yes it should.##

May 2010.

WONDERFUL CATCH

P1#Oh Stuart Broad that was a catch,@ My head I no longer need to scratch,@ You've gone from zero@ Back to a hero@ That could help us to win this match!##

May 2010.

Dog Food Dream

Must be in my top 5 craziest dreams ever. And nothing to do with Pokýmon or cricket. Wild.

P1#Last night I had an unusual dream,@ But not the type that would make you scream.## P2#I dreamt I was eaten by a large dog beast,@ It must have thought me part of a feast.## P1#From inside its mouth I had a friend on my shoulder@ He was clever and helpful, and I felt bolder.## P2#He told me to avoid the sphincter muscles,@ Should I wish to emerge with minimum tussles.## P1#Instruction said that the safest way through@ Was to be forced out while inside a pooh.## P2#After kicking my way out of the crusty turd,@ I woke up and thought that was bloody absurd.##

May 2010.

England Won

Yes. England won. A WORLD CUP TOURNAMENT. Yes, England. And they beat the Aussies in the final. No, really - it did happen! I saw it live, listenned to bits on TestMatchSofa, and then recorded the highlights and dumped them to disc. I kid you not. "We" won. Blimey.

P1#It was good to have Lumb in the side,@ South African birthright aside!@ Though we must be fair,@ Shane Warne got him there,@ He smashed all the bowlers with pride.## P2#Our bowlers used plenty of thought,@ Even Broad who often dropped short,@ He did it with style,@ And showed us his guile,@ And everything hit up was caught.## P1#The Aussies expected to chin us,@ They didn't think we had it within us@ In that final meeting@ We gave them a beating.@ England the T-20 Winners.## P2#We made them look like beginners,@ Or old forgotten dog's dinners,@ The Aussies got thrashed,@ Their bowling was smashed.@ England are T-20 winners!##

May 2010.

Leicestershire

Leicestershire's bizarre season of ups+downs is condensed into a single match. Vs Glamorgan, who 100+ runs behind on first innings, win by 10 wickets. Bugger.

P1#Leicester started with a bang,@ and then went to Shit.@ I know that don't rhyme,@ but I don't care one bit.##

May 2010.

Kari

She's the lovely Maggie from US TV show "Sliders". And I've taken a shine to her.

There is a fine lady called Kari,@ Just perfect for someone to marry.@ But to my dismay,@ She lives far away,@ This burden, in silence, I carry.@@ Let me talk of her kissable lips,@ While I dwell on her curvaceous hips,@ Great legs and a smile,@ Distract me meanwhile,@ My interest in cricket, it dips.

May 2010.

Stephen Fry's Cat.

The furriest entity in the twittersphere.

P1#You must pay attention now please,@ What I want is a full flavoured cheese.@ It will not make me fat,@ I will not believe that,@ It will help all the joints in my knees.## P2#Stroke my coat it is fluffy and sleek,@ Do it well, and my knees will go weak,@ Gently rubbing my spine,@ Makes me feel so divine,@ So much so, I could let out a squeak.## P1#You have learnt how to treat every cat,@ Be sure that you endeavour such that,@ That cat will be grateful,@ At every new plateful;@ No more gifts will be left on your mat.##

27th May 2010.

Lords, Day 1.

Lords, Day 1. First test against the 'Desh.

Sadly England played 4 bowlers, which didn't allow for a debut for Ajmal Shazad. Which rhymes nicely with mad...

Selection... P1#Selection was normal if sad,@ No place for young Ajmal Shazad,@ They went with bats six,@ For fear of Desh tricks,@ Which happened to make me quite mad.## @Trott's 50... P2#Played Trotty, nice fifty.@ The running's been thrifty.@ But bowling ain't nifty.@ Shakib though, looks shifty.## @ -RookeryMike's Infusion- P1#A Thursday in the office,@ No joy to be had there.@ But wait a minute, no, rejoice!@ The sofa is back on air.## P2#After the fun of Twenty Twenty,@ We've returned to the format that's best.@ Good morning everybody,@ Day one of the first Lords Test.## P1#A series against Bangladesh@ Not everyone's cup of tea@ If we're completely honest,@ Unlikely to pass day three.## P2#So here we are at HQ@ Players back in their whites@ iPhone set to test match sofa@ A box of aural delights.##

27th May 2010.

More from the Counties.

Kent county confusion continues.

P1#Whatever has happened to Kent?@ I don't know what any of it meant.@ Stevens went on the drive,@ Ntini got his five,@ And Durham look totally spent.##

27th May 2010.

More from the Counties.

Surrey's tails wags they dogged batting order.

P1#That lively chap called Andre Nel,@ Yes he could bowl quite a firey spell.@ But a ton with the bat?@ No, he couldn't do that!@ But he made ninety six, oh hell.##

May 2010.

Andrea Petkovic

I woke up early and my brain went into poem overdrive. I'm sorry that Andrea was one of the victims. Unless she likes it. In which case, I'm delighted.

She has just revealed how utterly cool she is. She doesn't have an iPod, but an MP3 player. *swoon* Beauty AND brains.

I like Andrea Petkovic,@ When I see her my heart will twitch,@ I'd love just to meet her,@ And oh, how I'd greet her.@ How I would love to scratch that itch.@@ We have not seen her best game yet,@ And she can even play at the net,@ I have no doubt or fear,@ In less than one year,@ She'll be in the top 5, I bet.@

May 2010.

Mspr1nt

I woke up early and my brain went into poem overdrive. I'm sorry. Mspr1nt was another victim.

P1#There is a young lady called Mspr1nt,@ She is not a South African bint.@ She writes a great blog,@ And winds up her dog,@ And for that she should make a mint.## P2#She has a thing for Michael Pup Clarke,@ Of this fact he is not in the dark.@ She tweets of her love,@ From below and above,@ for attention her dog has to bark.## @

28th May 2010.

Lords, Day 2.

RookeryMike

Lords, Day 2. It's RookeryMike's debut. A stunning effort too!

-RookeryMike's Debut- P1#Welcome back, day two at Lords,@ A sunny day - fear not.@ By close of play we'll all be clear@ How many million runs Trott got.## P2#Whilst he and Straussy filled their boots,@ Failure for KP and Bell,@ Back in the dressing room looking on,@ Wondering how their wickets fell.## P1#The Bangla bowling timid,@ The fielding even worse.@ I can't help think that we should swap,@ I'll bowl and they write verse.## P2#So settle back, tune in, relax@ Enjoy the cricketing fare,@ Test Match Sofa the place to listen,@ The finest commentary on air.## @ -RookeryMike's Nuremberg Challenge-@ P1#The challenge, the task, the gauntlet thrown,@ Write Friday poem two.@ Nothing rhymes with Nuremberg@ I'm here to say it's true.## P2#Despite the lack of rhyming words@ A memorable day was had@ Not many of us gave stood where Hitler stood,@ Hoping for a sharp bat pad.##

29th May 2010.

Lords, Day 3.

Rain.

-Rain Break- P1#Rain rain, go away,@ Please come back another day,@ Sod off now there's cricket to play## P2#Or Bangladesh could draw,@ And that would make me rather sore.@ Not to mention it'll be a bore.@ Someone please hit me on the jaw.##

29th May 2010.

Look, a bloody Aussie.

This guy really is half as good as Murali.

P1#Gatt wishes he'd never been born,@ Says his brain is the size of a prawn,@ You know the old spinner,@ But he ain't much thinner,@ That bloody Aussie is Shane Warne.## P2#He can bowl a big turning ripper,@ Then fool you with his quick flipper,@ While he comments on sky,@ And eats one more steak pie,@ Before you're done up like a kipper.## P1#Even with the bat he's not bad,@ Drives the opposition quite mad,@ He could captain them too,@ More than Ponting's IQ,@ But he's gone and us poms are just glad.##

30th May 2010.

Tim T

Tim T is from Belgium, and it's wonderful to add more flavour to my site. Please enjoy his player profiles, inspired part-way thru' the 2010 French Open.

I cannot imagine rhyming in a second language. Much respect Tim!

-by Tim T- P1#Rain falls on red clay@ meaning: delay delay delay@ also, by the way@ I really love Agnes Szavay## P2#Daniela Hantuchova is hot@ that backhand, what a shot!@ arms and legs too thin@ her game still full of win## P1#Kuznetsova is out@ a moan, a groan, a pout@ if only looks could kill@ Kirilenko wouldn't be here still## P2#A dress in black and gold@ hating Jelena, that's cold@ new French hope Aravane Rezai@ couldn't get past Petrova, why?## P1#Miss Sharapova can groan@ as loud as a fighter jet@ today she made Henin sweat@ but Roland Garros is still a no-fly zone##

30th May 2010.

Lords, Day 4.

Dorsal Boy.

'Sharky' is much too cool a name. 'Dorsal' has that nice self-depreciating quality about it that us English like so much.

P1#Our new bowler is young Steven Finn,@ Very tall and ever so thin,@ He often falls down,@ The finesse of a clown,@ But in Oz he could help us to win.## P2#His Hero is mighty Glenn McGarth,@ Now if he can become Glenn McHalf,@ The Aussies will fear him,@ And we will revere him,@ No I'm not just having a laugh.##

May 2010.

Anne Keothavong

I need to, but how? This lady is a challenge.

P1#I'm liking Anne Keothavong,@ Can I make her a rhyme or a song?@ Whatever I do,@ Word matches are few,@ So I doubt it could be very long.## P2#The writing of a second verse,@ Is making me sound even worse,@ I think I'll stop now,@ And I'd better not bow,@ Or I shall leave this place in a herse.## P1#She is England's number one girl,@ With hair that can easily curl.@ How high can she go?@ I'm sure I don't know,@ But she is both diamond and pearl.##

30th May 2010.

Tim T

Tim T is from Belgium, and it's wonderful to add more flavour to my site. Please enjoy his player profiles, inspired part-way thru' the 2010 French Open.

I cannot imagine rhyming in a second language. Much respect Tim!

-by Tim T- P1#Two tall towers@ moving on the red chessboard@ two great powers@ but Robin put Marin to the sword##@ P2#A duel, Swiss versus Swiss@ should have been tennis bliss@ yet, something was amiss@ Stan's game was a bit piss.##@ P1#A Czech? Not to worry.@ Yet Murray groaned a lot@ and went from Brit to Scot@ in a frightful hurry.##@ P2#Poor Tsonga didn't last long@ one set - was something wrong?@ I see, a groin injury.@ Don't feel bad, Jo-W,@ time to have some wine and Brie.##

31st May 2010.

The modern women. One goal still remains.

P1#Now women can pump up bike tyres,@ And can even use needle-nose pliers,@ But one thing they can't do,@ And I've seen that it's true,@ Is prevent any tangling of wires.##

31st May 2010.

Lords, Day 5.

Come on England. Use the cloud.

-Grass- P1#I'm mowing this dirty great lawn,@ And I wish that I had not been born,@ This bloody green grass,@ Is a pain in my arse,@ And I hope the Lord's test is not drawn.##

3rd June 2010.

Frnech Open.

Shock day.

Serena out. YEY. Federer out. Look mate, you've had your turn.

P1#A lovely day at the French Op'n.@ One result was beyond my hopin'@ The big angry bully,@ Was out-muscled fully,@ So happy for Serena's Mopin'## Happy Sam.Surly Serena. P2#Roger then clashed with Robin S.@ One heck of a match-up, oh yes!@ But 'twas not very long,@ For accurate and strong,@ Soderling made Roger a mess.## Rampant Robin.Ropey Roger.

4th June 2010.

Old Trafford, day 1.

Ajmal Shazhad makes his debut. Decent. 4 bowlers, less so.

P1#That super gent Henry, yes Blowers.@ With the tone that never he lowers.@ He would make such a fuss,@ If he saw a red bus.@ A pity he couldn't then show us.##

4th June 2010.

I'm still enjoying the French Open. And blonde ladies; like this lovely German.

Sabine

P1#A German called Sabine Lisicki,@ Her name is a little bit tricky,@ But she has blonde hair,@ So no problems there,@ You know I am not very picky.##

6th June 2010.

Old Trafford, day 3.

Tamim goes mental, then everyone else goes mentaller.

P1#Tamim smashed the ball round the park,@ England's bowlers were left in the dark,@ But once he was out,@ The rest started to doubt.@ So that Swann & Shahzad made their mark.## P2#Andrew Strauss did not want any rain,@ He just loves to bat on in vain.@ But gulp and then swallow,@ He asked them to follow.@ Can Tamim bat with magic again?## P1#Jimmy has got the brand new ball,@ Tamim is poised and standing quite tall,@ But that is a thin snick,@ Jimmy's swing did the trick,@ Will the Tigers now rapidly fall?## (after 39-6) P2#The Tigers aren't batting too tightly,@ The bowling of England quite spritely.@ Confidence eroded?@ Has Siddons exploded?@ Their tour has not ended so brightly.##

10th June 2010.

World Cup football fever is everywhere. I am NOT a fan.

P1#More about football and I think it shit.@ Each one who plays is a total git.@ I wish it would stop,@ Such a shame it won't flop.@ For four weeks I must stay in my pit.## A football shirt snake.
Don't worry Dave, I don't like soccer either.

15th June 2010.

I was cross.
I was ill.
It was half-five in the morning.

Please insult me here

P1#I am an idiot, idi-fool,@ Idiot, idiot, idi-tool,@ Idiot, idi-lump,@ Idiot, idi-chump,@ Idiot, idiot, most uncool.## P2#I am an idiot, idi-goon,@ Idiot, idiot, idi-loon,@ Idiot, idi-berk,@ Idiot, idi-jerk,@ Idiot, idiot; a buffoon.## P1#I am an idiot, idi-plumb,@ Idiot, idiot, and so dumb,@ Idiot, idi-pratt,@ Idiot, getting fat,@ Idiot, idiot, felling glum.##

Please insult me here

16th June 2010.

Don't to say here. Just silly.

There was a young lady called Gristle,@ Who once cleaned her bum with a thistle,@ It did not work well,@ And left quite a smell,@ Which left her alone under mistle -@ toe.@## Ouch.  (Kids, don't try this at home!)

22nd June 2010.

The phony Ashes war starts here. 5 ODIs 'tween England and their favourite enemy.

P1#The Aussies again are now here,@ But this time there's nothing to fear.@ We've beaten them more,@ Like never before.@ So sit down, relax and drink beer.## Burn baby, burn.

June 2010.

DustbinCricket

DustbinCricket is Australian, this allegiance is clear from the hurt.

DustbinCricket likes Michael Clark and has a great blog site which is here.

-by DustbinCricket- P1#There once was a team from down under,@ who could blast their opponents like thunder,@ but injuries hit@ and their batsmen were shit@ So they allowed England to beat them asunder.##

29th June 2010.

All time Fat XIs are everywhere.

This is my current world Fat XI.

It's a pretty well-balanced side. At least one with a low center of gravity.

Am I fatist? Why have I done this?
I'm not fatist, but rather fat.
I've done this because I'm frustrated that certain really good players are not near national sides because of their shape. Sometimes this is justified; Yuvraj Singh, perhaps, has only himself to blame. Samit Patel and Mark Cosgrove have been badly treated. Size does not mean you cannot bat. Ask Inzamam-ul-Haq. Aravinda De Silva. Mark Taylor. Darren Lehmann. It doesn't even mean you can't bowl. Botham, Flintoff, and Warne have all (at times) sported a few extra pounds. So here then, is my list of currently playing cherished fatties from all around our lovely planet. Embrace the pie with them, for cricket revels in variety.

Name "Roll"Mug
Mark Cosgrove
(South Australia)
Captain+Batsman
Often seen on the telly in domestic competitions. Lives for drinks breaks. Weighs more than the entire Zimbabwe team.
Jesse Ryder
(Central Districts)
Batsman+Dobber
Once had a growth spurt so fast that he broke a window and cut his hand.
Yuvraj Singh
(Punjab)
Occasional Batsman
Can gain weight even faster than me. Can lose weight via the power of his mind. That is why he is fat. Can be often be spotted wallowing the outfield.
Robery Key
(Kent)
Red-nosed Batsman
Eats plenty of chillies to keep his nose cherry red. Once ate an entire U-11 cricket team during a tea break.
Ian Blackwell
(Durham, ex-Somerset)
Batsman+spinner
Fled to the north once he discovered their penchant for deeep fat frying.
Samit Patel
(Nottinghamshire)
Batsman+spinner
Prefers eating curry to fitness training. This is hard to imagine.
Shahzaib Hasan
(Karachi Zebras)
Batsman
He enjoyed healthy returns in his début first-class season, scoring 607 runs in 10 matches. Subsequently he enjoyed unhealthy returns to his favourite restaurant. After which both he, and his form, spluttered.
Daniel Smith
(New South Wales)
'Keeper
Guardian of the fridge. Can be trusted to look after the food of others, providing he isn't hungry.
Grant Lambert
(New South Wales)
Fast Bowler
Eats 3 pies every time he takes a wicket. If he bowls a pie, he forfeits tea+cakes.
Ramesh Powar
(India Blue)
Spine Blower
Occasionally used as a pitch roller. Wears terrific, but inedible, sunglasses all day.
Shoaib Akhtar
(Agriculture Development Bank of Pakistan)
Fast Wart Thrower
Famously hid genital warts by coverring them a thick layer of fat.
Twitter Fail-Whale
(Internet)
12th mammal
Escaped from Japan. Provides extra blubber for the team. Giant mouth.
Duncan Fletcher
(Rhodesia)
Coach+Couch Combo
Fitness fanatic. More chins than brain cells.
Dwayne Leverock
(Bermuda)
Chef
The most important member of the team. After retiring from the playing the game he ate his entire country which got them excluded by the ICC. In despair, he turned to cooking.
Arjuna Ranatunga
(Sinhalese Sports Club)
Badministrator
A leviathan among giants. Often seen walking to work - never running. Eats a baby elephant every day at 10:15am.

Additional fat seeking help provided by BettiWettiWoo, Omair Zahid, Crownish, and Anoukh. I think I was sub-consiously inspired by this from CWBfeed. Many thanks to you all, and indeed to anyone who managed to scroll down this far.

22nd July 2010.

Pakistan Bundle out the Aussies, and I thought 87 was unlucky for them.

P1#These Aussies I do not really rate,@ They were bowled out for just eighty-eight.@ Their bowling was poor,@ They are now on the floor,@ And the Pakistan bowling was great.## P2#Ricky Pointing is buying Prescriptions,@ They will stop him having conniptions,@ He will snarl, he will glare,@ And his nostrils will flare,@ And things that defy my descriptions.## I chewed him up and I spat him out.

25nd August 2010.

This left-arm quick, Mark Footitt, bowled fast and straight in a meanlingless county 40 over match. Michael Holding got all giddy at his pace. Average about 88mph, fastest 91.8mph.

P1#One young fast left-armer called Footitt and Mark,@ Could bowl line and length right there in the dark.@@ He could bowl full, and he could bowl short,@ The batsmen looked scared, and they often got caught.@@ He got the ball down at 90 miles per hour,@ I wonder has he, been seen by Andy Flower?@@ Now Derby you have a lad bristling with pride,@ What you must do is keep him in the side!## More accurate than Mitchell Johnson.

12nd September 2010.

Mohammad Irfan might be the tallest man in the universe. He is big. And look at his feet.

P1#Irfan he is incredibly tall,@ Miles away from a rolling ball,@ Clumsy and flailing,@ Feet made for sailing,@ And his bowling ain't much cop at all.## Aeroplanes fear me.

5th October 2010.

By gum. This is a tense match. India chasing 216, from the dicey position of 124/8. They're now 200-8. Golly.

And in the end after, a plumb not-out decision from Mr BB, a missed run-out, and 4 overthrows: India won by one wicket!

P1#An umpire named Bowden or Billy,@ Made decisions that were far too silly,@ His brain is so lame,@ He is ruining this game.@ Come here now and suck on my knuckles.## Jokes and umpires don't mix. P2#An umpire called Ian Gunner Gould,@ Who was not often easily fooled,@ Don't rely on his eye,@ He can make grown men cry.@ Folk like him need to be re-schooled.## Jokes and umpires don't mix.

7th October 2010.

Apparently, it's "Poetry Day" in the UK today.

Here's my slightly dicey rhyming Haiku effort.

P1#Does Poetry Day@ In the sun while making hay@ Make It all sound gay?## Does 'making' qualify as my 'cutting' word?

9th October 2010.

P1#India are bowling in vain,@ At Marcus North and Timmy Paine.@ All day and no success,@ I am cross, I confess.@ Now Sreesanth, try to use your brain.## P2#India with Bhajji and spin,@ Were trying hard for a series win,@ But Marcus and Tim,@ Determined and grim,@ Are making India's chances thin.## Gits.

18th November 2010.

Work.

French food, and nice drinks, in Winchester.

I had to leave early, but wrote this in the foggy aftermath.

P1#By the time you receive this new rhyme,@ I hope that you’ve all had a great time,@ The French place was great,@ I wish I could’ve stayed late,@ As the company, it was sublime.## P2#As the booze inside me did fester,@ I aimed to provoke and to pester,@ ‘Twas an absolute ball,@ But you can’t have it all,@ Maybe next time I’ll say in Winchester.## Not the Winchester I know.

20th November 2010.

Meep.

The Ashes.

P1#New Zealand have got Jessy Ryder,@ The guy who always drank cider,@ He now claims to be good,@ Which he damn well should,@ And his bat is getting much wider.## Jessy Wider.

25th November 2010.

Meep.

The Ashes.

P1#My life has now gone up in smoke,@ My wife has decided me to choke,@ The reason for the lashes?@ It's the bloody Ashes!@ And I'm only a bloody bloke!@ Meep.## Australia.

25th November 2010.

I'm angry with Siddle.

I rated and liked Siddle when he played againast other countries and was crap against England.

I don't like him any more.

P1#It was fine and then we lost Cook,@ One million poms scream 'bloody fook'@ He has a stupid tash,@ And a face to bash.@ Yes Peter siddle has made me sook.## P2#@PS: 'sook' was a new word for me today. It means sulky and crying, thanks to DecoBroad for that. She understood me perfectly.## My favourite enemy P1#A story about Peter Siddle.@ He stepped in a lake of pure piddle.@ He made such a splash,@ That it stuck in his tash.@ And ended this bullshitty riddle.## P2#Some said it was like a match fix,@ You know, how the hell he got six.@ But with a face like that,@ And the brain of a pratt,@ Take solace, 'cuz you know he sucks mints.## punchable-faces.com

30th November 2010.

The splendid Archana uploaded some photos.

They had her in them.

Wearing a purple dress.

I was no longer responSiddle for my actions.

P1#She likes cricket and looks like this,@ You may think I'm taking the piss,@ You'd guess she must be mean,@ But not from what I've seen,@ So my heart, some beats it will miss.## P2#So behold the lady Archana,@ Who turns cricket into nirvana,@ With a show that is sublime,@ She simply is devine,@ And worth more than my gold banana.## Purple. Win.

2nd December 2010.

I never liked Mitchell, not really sure why. Initially he was good enough. Someone said he was a "once in a generation bowler". This type of over-hype certainly played a part in my dislike, but then again I thuoght the same of Stale Dane. Clearly I'm not always right but, unlike some Austalians, I do not claim to be.

P1#The Aussies have now scratched that itch,@ Yes that mummies boy Johnson Mitch.@ Yes he could bowl fast,@ But all he went past,@ Was the 'keeper with no time to twitch.## P2#Mitch really did grate all my cheese,@ He could have had folk on their knees.@ Mental issues he had,@ Like one Eng-er-lish lad,@ No more Johnson's or Harmison's please!## I want my mummy.

6th December 2010.

I was always a fan of KP, ever since he played for Notts and constantly piled up double-hundreds as 20 year old. Ecstatic was I when I found out he wanted to play for England. Today (yesterday) was his best day for some time, what a player.

P1#Kevin P, you may act like a tool,@ But you showed again that you're no fool.@ You are so not a pratt,@ When you score like that,@ And the wicket you took, it made me drool.## I'm an all-rounder.

7th December 2010.

We did it, we did it. Well, England did. 620-5 vs 549-20. We're 4 times better than "them". Pinch me.

P1#Aussies stuffed big time in their back yard,@ Not even close, it wasn't that hard!@ Though my eyes are now sore,@ Let me check it once more,@ Bristle with joy at the luvvy scorecard!## P2#Jimmy Anderson was amazing,@ Kevin Pietersen kept on blazing,@ After Cookie and Trott,@ Swann's spin was too hot,@ For Aussies it must be quite hair-raising!## England > Australia

10th December 2010.

Mental. Come on Europe.

P1#My story today ain't not phony,@ Off to London with my mate Tony,@ To the great York Hall,@ To see a game of ball,@ It's only the bloody Mosconi.## P2#There's this prick Shane Van Boening,@ If he starts winning, I'll start moaning,@ It's going to be tight,@ It should be a great fight,@ I want to hear American groaning.## P1#The Yankie team has no Earl the Pearl,@ The cock that behaves like a spoiled girl,@ No respect for the game,@ Just purile and lame,@ Like a big shit you can't quite uncurl.## EUROPE MUST WIN

16th December 2010.

One more good innings and the Ashes is retained. I must be dreaming.

P1#We are almost ahead in this game,@ The Australian batting was lame,@ They tried to give clout,@ But they only got out,@ The pattern, of this match, the same!## P2#I just don't get this Aussie failing,@ They come out cross with their bats flailing,@ But turned it around,@ It was us that were ground,@ Into dust and I am left wailing.## DisaPonting

27th December 2010.

Surely, Punter's days are numbered!

P1#Little Ponting, little Ponting@ On a spicy pitch@ Got to keep on bowling onwards@ With that stupid Mitch@@ Been a long time little Ponting@ Thro' the winter's night.@ Best give up now little Ponting@ The Ashes out of sight.## P2#Build up the lead tonight,@ Eng-gerland, Eng-gerland.@ Grind them to dust tonight@ Eng-gerland, Eng-gerland.## P1#Little Ponting, little Ponting@ Had a heavy day@ Little Ponting lost the urn yes,@ by the close of play.@@ Little Ponting, little Ponting@ Journey's end is near@ There are wisemen waiting for a@ new captain from here.@@ Do not falter, little Ponting@ Watson's there instead,@ He will lead you,@ little Ponting to an early bed.## P2#Bring home the urn tonight,@ Eng-gerland, Eng-gerland.@ Bring home the urn tonight@ Eng-gerland, Eng-gerland.## P1#Little Ponting, little Ponting@ Had a heavy day@ Little Ponting lost the urn yes,@ by the close of play.@ Little Ponting lost the urn yes,@ by the close of play.## New Oz Captain?

7th January 2011.

3 innings defeats.

By England.

Not to England.

P1#And now after twenty-four years,@ England have shed all their fears.@ The Aussies were bashed,@ And records were smashed.@ Yet my eyes they are still full of tears.## Yes!
Twitter Bitter Glad Sad Fitter. Me cross At a loss Ain't worth a toss. Cricket is a funny old game, Some people think it rather tame, But if you field near, The danger is clear, And some folk have ended up lame. CarlyW226 Shaun Pollock told a hilarious story about Makhaya Ntini taking 3 sleeping tabs on a plane. He passed out in toilet & Bouch had to dress him Hark the Herald Angel's sing Harper, Herath, Yuvraj Singh Glory to the newborn King! Glenn McGrath the new ball King Peace on earth and mercy mild Peter Siddle and God and sinners reconciled Garfield Sobers .. Pakistan's players were given the snub England's old chaps went straight to the pub The splashing of money Just wasn't that funny Lalit Modi can suck on my chubb. Pakistan players were shunned The rest of the world was stunned Corruption is rife? IPL wields its knife Cricket remains totally out-gunned. For Pollard and Roach it was so great Especially if they're your very best mate They don't have to think Just buy them a drink To join the success on their plate. Opsimathy - learning when older! Vicissitude - a change or variation in the course of something